Every Burger
I promised Bryce that to repay her for letting us stay in her beautiful house all week, I would cook dinner. I was planning on making one of my specialties, a little something I call Aztec short ribs- which involves
braising short ribs in a cinnamon, chipotle chocolate sauce. To keep with the Mexican theme, I serve it over maize, in the form of creamy polenta. Not the most attractive thing I make, but one of the most delicious, to be sure.
Instead, we spent all day at Bodyworlds, where I finally got to pay some sort of homage to my idol, Gunther von Hagens. He invented the plastination of human tissue, and wears a really cool hat. Realizing that I didn’t have time for a four hour braise, I had to improvise. What did I want to eat? Duh, prepared curry pork buns and Japanese candy. So back to Mitsuwa Market it was. These were perfect circumstances–James has a crippling fear of supermarkets, so I could happily drop him at the Japan Arcade while I shopped.
Before beginning the rounds, though, I needed a bubble tea at L.A. Scoops. And what a bubble tea!
A taro slushy, this was the best boba drink ever. And I am a connoisseur. Just check it out. How beautiful is that?
After my rapture, which was so great that I had to run upstairs and show James at the arcade, I was ready to shop. My quick weeknight dinner solution is usually katsu kare, tonkatsu with a package of hot Japanese curry spooned over it, served atop a microwaveable bowl of sticky rice. I was really excited to buy pork that actually said “For Katsu” on its label. I was also chomping at the bit to try the curry pork buns I saw in the freezer section, so those went in the cart, too. To make it a meal, I bought some assorted pickles, including eggplant, ginger and cucumber, some seaweed salad, a frozen bag of carrots and burdock, (which I made into a ginger-soy stir-fry), and candy. Lots of candy.
Some background: Bryce and I spent our middle school years doing little but play Sega Genesis and eat Fritos. When we were ready for something sweet, it was always Japanese candy. I also used to bring the stuff to our lesbian English teacher’s “Nutrition Lunches”, intended to prevent eating disorders. Everyone else brought salad, but I was thrilled to avoid our cafeteria fish sticks in favor of Botan Rice Candy and Every Burger. I thought it was funny to piss off that teacher, and still get a kick out of the memory.
So back to the house. We made our katsu kare, jauntily finishing it with a fried quail egg atop each chop. We usually use S&B hot curry at home, but as a nod to our origins, used Vermont Curry this time. I did not like it as much, but Bryce’s husband, Seth, went ape for it, taking spoonful after spoonful. The pork buns were a little too mild and much too doughy, but still fun. The pickles were great, though the texture of the eggplant scared me a bit. But the piece de resistance was no doubt this:
For those unfamiliar in the ways of the Every Burger, it consists of bite-sized cookies with sesame seeds 
made to look like a burger bun, with chocolate for the meat itself. I don’t totally agree with the new packaging. The background used to be a creepy mustard-yellow color. When we were kids, there was also colored white chocolate inside the burgers to represent condiments, now there is only yellow, for the cheese.
Of course, Botan Rice Candy was a must, too. Bryce and I used to love introducing people to the edible rice paper wrapping the orange candies. “Eat the wrapper,” we’d say, watching the newbie’s face turn from
incredulity to either enjoyment or disgust. We got to do the same with Seth. I think he liked it. I think.
We also had these, which I’ve been eating my whole life, but don’t know what they’re called. Lumberjack chocolate?
We especially enjoyed my new best friend, the Fugetsu-Do’s Corey’s Chocolate Mochi. Everyone was crazy for it. Bryce and Seth, usually avowed healthy eaters, went through a whole pack.
To finish, we each had a bag of rice paper-backed gummies shaped like a Japanese super hero. I don’t remember ever not having those candies in my life, but I have no idea what his name is. He’s no Doraemon, I’ll tell you that much.
We had a great time, like the old days, but with our hot boys by our sides. Bryce and Seth oohed and aahed embarrassingly throughout the dinner. James kept protesting, “We basically made you a TV dinner!”
Bryce countered, “Until you started making this, I was planning on having chocolate chips for dinner.” We told them to keep the leftover candy (I had bought a pack of each for each of us, so we could really pig out), which they refused. The next morning, though, I found it all in their pantry.
We were additionally mortified that morning when Bryce’s secretary, her sisters, nanny and our friend Moet all asked excitedly about what Bryce and Seth had told them was one of the best meals of their lives. All in all, I suppose one should not underestimate the power of the Every Burger.
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